I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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