my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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