He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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