I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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