she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
