You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
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