Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
