Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
