Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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