Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
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I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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