I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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