Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
