Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
