dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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