have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
