So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
