life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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