College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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