after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
