he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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