Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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