does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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