you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
