If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
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i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
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Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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