I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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