I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
