The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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