Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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