xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
