I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
did you just send me my own nude
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
