in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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