thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
