Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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