i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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