I wish I could punch you in the face.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
