I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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