shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
