i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
