Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
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she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
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Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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