she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I enjoy the company of your penis
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
