Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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