Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
