I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
