no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
