The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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