Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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