So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
