I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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