I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
