hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
