I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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