i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
